Notes on Safety and Accoutremental Adornments:

Swimming, like marital congress, should be only be done in company of a good Christian partner. The bond between the aquanaut and the sauveteur is not unlike that between the bond of man and wife. It is a partnership established for the purposes of ensuring the quality and availability of sufficient numbers of Christian souls. Unless you are a graduate of a first class school of natation, even then, it is advisable to only swim in the protective surveillance of a Christian Sauveteur (preferably Protestant by birth and constitution).

Choosing an aquatic guardian is often difficult and complicated. It requires intellect, research, and the ability to detect subtle falsities being propagated by charlatans and other substandard supervision shilling hoaxers. One must choose a guardian who is chaste, sober, of good physical condition, strong moral fibres, Christian, processing of beyond common intelligence, and vision that would shame a bird of prey. It is recommended to inspect the sauveteur with the detail one would put into a large purchase such as a Manor House or dirigible. One should be careful to avoid consorting with a supervisor who practices Onanism. A masturbatory character leads to a sloppy technique, loss of muscular development, vision problems, chronic gassiness, sloth, a vengeful nature, loss of various essential humours, micronictransvestibular provoloniosis, and other such eroto-physic maladies. Demand a quality employee and your aquatic adventuring is as safe as enjoying a cigarette with your nightly laudanum and sherry in bed.

Once a sufficiently chaste mangaurd is in your charge, we must now discuss the issues of safety that are oft neglected by the general body of aquatic adventurers when engaging the water in a swimming capacity. Swimming, unlike walking or performing surgery, is fraught with environmental hazards and challenges. The first issue is the choice of costume-de-bain. It is considered to be most inappropriate to bare large areas of skin. It is firstly to be considered inappropriate due to issues of modesty and preservation of the good moral nature of Christendom. It is secondly considered to be inappropriate as the human flesh is in a state of want of acceptable hydrodynamical properties. A costume composed of a light material like wool or burlap is generally regarded as possessing most of the desirable characteristics of a costume material.

Once sufficient material has been acquired, it is advised that a professional tailor, mayhaps the gentleman who made your tuxedo, create a costume. Be certain to advise him that this is a suit for natational purposes and thusly extra care should be taken to fit the fabrique so that attention is not drawn to the buttocks or genitals when exiting or re-entering the water. Attention to one`s nether regions is highly inappropriate and will likely result in your forcible removal from the pool and excommunication from the church.