Notes on Safety and Accoutremental Adornments:

Swimming, like marital congress, should be only be done in company of a good Christian partner. The bond between the aquanaut and the sauveteur is not unlike that between the bond of man and wife. It is a partnership established for the purposes of ensuring the quality and availability of sufficient numbers of Christian souls. Unless you are a graduate of a first class school of natation, even then, it is advisable to only swim in the protective surveillance of a Christian Sauveteur (preferably Protestant by birth and constitution).

Choosing an aquatic guardian is often difficult and complicated. It requires intellect, research, and the ability to detect subtle falsities being propagated by charlatans and other substandard supervision shilling hoaxers. One must choose a guardian who is chaste, sober, of good physical condition, strong moral fibres, Christian, processing of beyond common intelligence, and vision that would shame a bird of prey. It is recommended to inspect the sauveteur with the detail one would put into a large purchase such as a Manor House or dirigible. One should be careful to avoid consorting with a supervisor who practices Onanism. A masturbatory character leads to a sloppy technique, loss of muscular development, vision problems, chronic gassiness, sloth, a vengeful nature, loss of various essential humours, micronictransvestibular provoloniosis, and other such eroto-physic maladies. Demand a quality employee and your aquatic adventuring is as safe as enjoying a cigarette with your nightly laudanum and sherry in bed.

Once a sufficiently chaste mangaurd is in your charge, we must now discuss the issues of safety that are oft neglected by the general body of aquatic adventurers when engaging the water in a swimming capacity. Swimming, unlike walking or performing surgery, is fraught with environmental hazards and challenges. The first issue is the choice of costume-de-bain. It is considered to be most inappropriate to bare large areas of skin. It is firstly to be considered inappropriate due to issues of modesty and preservation of the good moral nature of Christendom. It is secondly considered to be inappropriate as the human flesh is in a state of want of acceptable hydrodynamical properties. A costume composed of a light material like wool or burlap is generally regarded as possessing most of the desirable characteristics of a costume material.

Once sufficient material has been acquired, it is advised that a professional tailor, mayhaps the gentleman who made your tuxedo, create a costume. Be certain to advise him that this is a suit for natational purposes and thusly extra care should be taken to fit the fabrique so that attention is not drawn to the buttocks or genitals when exiting or re-entering the water. Attention to one`s nether regions is highly inappropriate and will likely result in your forcible removal from the pool and excommunication from the church.

Introduction:

Foreword:

For nearly as long as man has been on this humble sphere of rock denoted as the appellative Earth, Mankind has hungered to conquer water like the fauna which he has witnessed traversing formidable aquatic obstacles with supreme natural grace. Early man resorted to mimicking, an aping, of what his protozoic cerebration had absorbed. Unfortunately for man, his physiology betrayed his keen skills of observation and pantomime. Unlike the canines and equines, man’s walking gate does not translated into a successful natative movement. Over the perilously long, arduous millennia, a certain system of set rules and façons had bloomed and was to be promulgated by father to son. For centuries, a typical a boy-child would be thrown into a river, lake, or other such grand repository of dihydrogen-monoxide to learn natation by instinct as the animals had done since the beginning of creation. Soon it was to be ascertained that a more prolonged and graduated approach would best be utilized to indoctrinate the grand body of paternal aquatic knowledge into the progeny of aquanauts.

Time progressed and the Occidental World rose to global and ecumenical supremacy. With this rise of the western didactic of pedagogy to global domination, swimming came into conformity with this ideological tautology of information dissemination. As the progressive fashion of pedagogy had grown to a hegemonic dominance, so to had the notion of progressive natational learning. Parish Councils soon established local curricula that reflected the local culture and aquatic conditions. One of the most important events to ever transpire in the history of aquatic pedagogy was the industrial revolution. With the advent of Watt’s steam-power system, factories bloomed like dandelions all across Britain from Norfolk to Sussex and Essex to Western Coast. It was soon learned many that of the plebeians that constituted the proletarian underclass needed to learn how to natate. Tanners would need to learn to traverse the vast caustic pits of skins without conforming to the aquatic physics of an unlearned Gloucestershire newsboy. Brewers would best need to apprehend that the addition of a “personal touch” to the recipe did not necessitate the ascension of a brew master to the eternal glory of God’s Heaven. In short, all professions and trades nearing liquids could now embrace the reality of horrific disfigurement over death by drowning.

It is to be observed that in the past 116 years that no important treatise on the art of natation has been written since Montagague A. Holbeim wrote his treatise on natation entitled “Swimming”. His approach was to be noted as quite English, whereas this treatise has the intended purpose to endow the audience with the knowledge of how to best navigate the waterways that distinguish the region known as British North America. It can be noted that this treatise is for the British North American, The North American Briton, and those who may subscribe to such an identity temporarily or for the purposes of commerce or simply pursuits of further natational glory.
The vast Geography of British North America poses many problems to those wishing to engage in the natational arts. The largest problem is that the only institution recognized within this grand expanse of terrain is an institution firmly established and rooted in the methodology of a purely British environment, where the largest threat to Britons is the large area of sea-found beaches and Doveresque cliffscapes.

The British North American Natural environment posses many threats to life that are not present in an otherwise completely occidental environment. Much of Europe is land locked or faces predictable aquatic environments provided by tame bodies of water. The vast rivers, lakes and glacial ponds that disfigure the land like the scars on a criminal’s visage, roar wildly like a ferocious tiger. These waters often run fast and violently. Wilder than their European cousins, these waters run untamed like the bison or the Saskatchewan Otter-Foxe. In springtime, the vast carpets of snow and ice that blanket the land for 11 months of the year melt swelling streams into deadly torrents. Traversing these swollen waters is a task that is best left only to the most legendary of aquanauts.

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